A soul that will probably never ever be saved
by IndentityCrisis
Summary: On indefinate hiatus, my writing style has changed too much to salvage this, but I dont really want to delete it. Pardon a mes loyaulistes, Identitycrisis.
1. The Gates To Butlers Heart

**Ok, I know that its short, and the Butler/Holly pairing is weird,but I wanted to get the main ideas out first. This story is set after the first AF book. Artys mom is better, but still oblivious. Artemis still remembers the LEP, and so does Butler and Juliet. Meg Finn is in Heaven and Belch is in hell. I'll work the characters more in later chapters. Ok, here it is. oh and by the way, the title is working. it might change.**

**Chapter one: The Gates to Butlers heart.**

Peter sat outside the gate. Nothing new. He manually tallied up people's points. He wasn't being friendly. The happiness that he had felt when Meg Finn had walked through the gates of heaven had worn off after a year. Now he was pissed off again. Lucifer had gotten two new computer programmers in the last year. His tech system was more advanced than it was at the White House. Yet still, Peter was left doing long division with a HB pencil! (He did have a computer but it had developed a glitch and he found it was much easier the traditional way. You could tell he did not know how to use computers.) What Pete needed was a programmer. He needed someone so smart that they could hack into Lucifer's system and steal his surveillance techniques. But whom could he get? Who could do something like that and still come up to heaven?

Reaching down, into a cloud, he withdrew his logbook. He went to the C's for computer and started reading down the list. The only people who had any chance of arriving in heaven did not fit not what Peter wanted. The computer animators and graphic designers were mostly good-hearted, but all the hackers and geniuses were going straight to hell. His eyes stopped when he got down to the F sub-section. There was a boy who knew everything that he wanted, his aura was red, but it was riddled with blue. He could still be saved.

"Yes!" He whispered under his breath.

Now all he needed was a soul man, someone who could turn the boy's aura blue. He needed someone who knew how to be creative, someone who could relate to the young boy. Peter knew exactly whom he was going to ask to save the soul of Artemis Fowl. He was going to ask Meg Finn herself.

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Meg Finn was sitting in the park with Tracy and Freda. They were two girls who had died when they had been fourteen as well. Meg hated their spiritual guts. She wanted to take their auras and bleach them out and streak them red and dump them in hell where their perky souls belonged. They were ecstatic to be in heaven and were not the least bit ticked off that there was nothing to do. Meg wanted change. She wanted too try new things. She wanted to eat new food, meet new people. She wanted to make mistakes. She wanted heaven to make mistakes. The eternal perfection that surrounded her was really very obnoxious. It was, frankly, boring. Everything was perfect, so there was nothing to do to make it better. Everything stayed the same. There was nothing to do except bask in the perfect sun that never gave you skin cancer. All right, that was in part because nobody had skin, but still. If they did have skin, it wouldn't burn. Her mother was just as bad as Freda and Tracy, if not worse. She didn't feel the longing Meg felt to go home, back to earth.

"This is your home now, my darling. You don't seriously want to go back and to live with Franco, do you?" Her mother said to her when she got especially depressed.

Her mother did have a point. She really didn't want to live with Franco. She wanted to have her own life, her own house, and her own job. Meg wanted to be free in every way. Heaven certainly wasn't allowing her that freedom. She wanted to take action, but what could she do? She was in a prison of love and happiness and all she could feel was hate.

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Artemis walked into the kitchen.

"Is Juliet here?" He sounded eager. It was very unlike the young Fowl to show any emotion aside from contempt.

"Outside of the pantry, shucking corn. Is there a situation?" The cook, Myna, was surprised by the boys' tone.

"No. None at all." He hurried out, passed the sunflowers that growing along the side of the kitchen, running towards the outdoor pantry.

"Juliet, guess what!" He almost ran into the girl. She was siting on the ground beside a huge basket of corn.

"What's up?" Getting out of the dirt, Juliet dusted off the back of her bright-pink shorts. It was August and even Artemis was wearing summer clothes. His white legs stuck out under a pair of beige Capri pants.

"Butler is pinning!" He laughed, not in contempt as usual, but in amusement. Juliet snorted.

"What are you talking about? Who would _Butler_ pine after?" She was slightly bug-eyed. Her baby-blue tank top wrinkled as she leaned forward to listen.

"It's the greatest thing! You'll never guess!" Artemis didn't wait for the girl to answer. "Its Holly! The fairy we kidnapped! He misses her! He mumbled something to me about contacting the LEP again, and then I saw a few drawings in his sketchbook. He had drawn Holly, in the manor! He even wrote a little poetry!"

"Artemis, were you snooping in Butlers stuff? That's really awful."

"Don't worry Juliet, he had left it in the jeep. I wasn't snooping, I was trying to figure out who it belonged to. Although I'll tell you now, it was hard to understand whether it was his or yours."

"Hey!" She raised a manicured fist. "I'm not that bad! Just because I pay attention to society…" She stopped talking. Nobody wanted to accuse Artemis of being a freak. Especially since he was trying to be more civilized and into-it. He had even secured a girlfriend, for a time. Not that she had lasted long. Not after she saw what Butler could do to the man who had tried to jump them. Juliet cringed.

"I'm sorry, Arty. You know I didn't mean anything by it."

"I know Juliet, just never mind." For a moment he looked sad, then determination washed over his face again. "So will you help me?"

"Help you with what?" She really hoped he wasn't going to say what she thought he was going to say….

"I want to bring Holly Short back. I want to let my bodyguard live his fantasy. At least for a time. I also want to show that centaur something I've been working on, see if he has any suggestions."

Inwardly Juliet groaned, this was not going to be a simple mission.

Later, Artemis sat in his padded computer chair, hacking into his schools web site. He was absolutely oblivious to the fact that the people in paradise were soon going to be interfering with his life.

Changing his B mark in cooking to a B+ and his C- in gym to a C, he stroked the cat sitting on his lap. He totally felt like the evil genius. He totally was. Moving over to the next monitor, he checked the progress meter on the information hack into the CIA's storage banks. It was an utter waste of time, Artemis already had most of the relevant information from informers, but it was still nice to see whether he could do it or not. 63 complete. Excellent, it should be finished after supper. Speaking of supper….

"Hey Myna, is dinner ready?" He spoke into the intercom.

"Just setting it on the table now, master Fowl. Come down when you're ready." Really the cook meant that he should come immediately or else it would get cold. Artemis wasn't one for cold corn. Putting the cat, Logan, on the floor, he pushed his chair back and went to wash his hands.

"Artemis?" Butler spoke from his spot in front of the security screens.

"Yes."

"Did you mention something about another lower-levels mission?" His face revealed nothing about his feelings. Not even the slightest curiosity. But then of course, he had been rigorously trained.

"I might have." Artemis said no more than was necessary.

"All right, see you at supper then." Butler would come down to eat once he put the monitors on automatic.

"Yes." Slipping out of the room silently, the trotted down the stairs and into the dining room.

"Hey Arty, want some corn?" Artemis had long since given up telling Juliet not to use his pet name. It was fruitless.

"Sure" Sitting down, he helped himself to a scoop of mashed potatoes and a cob of corn. Forking two slices of roast beef onto his plate, he complemented Myna on her cooking. The entire staff ate with him and his mother. It consisted of Myna, Juliet, Butler, the maid named Eli and the gardener Trent. Two years ago they would not have heard of supping with the help. (Two years ago they had also not had any help aside from Butler and Juliet. The gold now paid for the others.) Then the Fowls realized that two people dinning alone at the large table was terribly sad. Seven was much more companionable.

Butler came in, his huge body dwarfing the chair when he sat down. Serving himself a large portion (_almost_ as much as Juliet ate.) he pouted through the entire meal.

"Is there something wrong, Butler?" His sister finally got up the nerve to ask.

"No." He said shortly. _Holy Shortly_. Artemis thought. Hiding a grin, the boy thanked Myna for the meal and went back up to his room to read the fruits of the system hack.

**Review it please! Constructive Criticism is welcome! So is anything else. Try not to flame me though.**


	2. Out of date or just plain late?

**Ok, guys. I was a little hyper when I wrote that first chapter, but with help from my lovely reviewers, I did that reality-check thing. I slightly changed ch.1 to make it lessOOC for all of them. asfor the HolyButler pairing. Sure its weird, and their size differance is freakish, but how many relationships are really normal? I wanted to do something original and id never seen them together before. And yes, I had to throw in a little cliché crazyness, but its all good-natured. **

**And thank you. I usualydouble-crunch pin-down writers-block every time it comes near me. Not that it cant sneak up from behind, but I've got good hearing...**

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**Chapter Two: Megs out-of date coat and Juliets late date.**

Meg walked to a teleportation booth at the corner of the park. She had ditched her 'friends' without even saying goodbye. Whatever. There were hundreds of fourteen-year-olds here. Most had been innocently killed by famine or plague and none of them were convicts like her. Sighing, she replaced Tracy and Freda with Lowrie McCall in her thoughts. It was weird, but she kind of missed him. He was the only friend she had ever enjoyed being with. They could talk and have fun but still argue over their differences. It made her guilty to wish Lowrie was in Heaven with her, because he would have to die first. Still, it would have made her eternal imprisonment in happy-land more pleasant.

Meg stepped into the booth, thinking _mum_. Instantly she was in the meadow where her mother often dwelled.

"Back so soon, my dear? It's only been a week." Her mother was painting by the calm, flawless lake. She didn't even look up as her daughter appeared beside her.

"Oh mum, you know your biggest fan can't stay away! No, I'm just so _bored_."

"Have you tried reading a book? It can be very entertaining."

"No, mum I've _never_ tried that before." In fact, Meg had read quite a lot in the last year. She had compromised her poor education by reading the textbooks of someone with a Ph.D. in psychology. Lately though, she craved action. A weird need for speed had come over her. She had sought out and ridden motorcycles, among other fast machines. Without adrenaline in her system however, the trill was gone. Meg desperately wanted to be alive again, to feel the wind through her hair as she descended the steepest hill on the roller coaster at the fair.

"Hey, mum. Do you remember my ninth birthday, when you brought me into Dublin to go to the fair?"

"Yes. And then after when we went on that spiny ride and I threw up?"

Meg laughed, remembering going home on the train with puke all over their clothes.

Suddenly, a cherub appeared beside her.

"Meg Finn? Are you Meg Finn?" The wings on his feet fluttered in an unsure manner.

"None other than. What do you want?" Meg glared at the little man. His loincloth looked weird beside her blue jeans and tee shirt.

"I have orders from the top, miss. They tell me to take you to the gates." _This is it_, Meg though, _they're going to send me down with Belch for being ungrateful. Maybe Peter miscalculated; maybe I really _do_ belong in Hell. Great, if Heaven is so god-awful, imagine how terrible Hell will be! _And Meg did imagine. She pictured great rooms full of flowers, but they smelled like death. Then as she looked closer, the flowers were everyone in her life. She saw Lucifer feeding her propaganda, telling her that she had killed them all. Everyone she had ever known was dead because of her.

She was snapped out of her ridiculous reverie when the messenger tapped her on the shoulder.

"We should go now, miss. St. Peter doesn't like to be kept waiting." Grabbing onto her arm, the angel teleported them just inside the gates of Heaven. Or rather, the giant hole in the sky.

"Ok Peter, she's here, open up!" The cherub screamed into a walkie-talkie.

The sky parted to let them through.

Sitting on a marble throne that looked as though it made his bottom very sore, the apostle Peter scowled.

"It took you long enough Cherry."

"I'm sorry sir. Right as I got to the park, the girl teleported away, to her mother. I had to locate her again after that." The little Cherub was pleading on the floor, tears streaming down his chubby, pink face. Peter and Meg shared the same expression. One eyebrow tilted up, trying to figure out what to make of the spectacle.

"Umm…It's true, sir. O'coors, I didn't know he was at the park. Your not going to hurt him are you?" She gestured towards the shaking angel, he was now kissing and grabbing at Peters kaftan.

"If he keeps this up, I will. What in Heavens name are you doing, Cherry?"

"Well, I hears you was in a bad mood for the last millennia, wants to takes a breaks from the pearly..ly gates, wants to..to enjoy paradises a littles. Cherry's sorrys sir, its whats Iz hears froms the ones that used to bes tunnel mites. Theys tells me sir, don't gets mads."

The saint rolled his eyes. "They seem to loose their ability to speak correctly when under stress." He informed an awestruck Meg. "Get lost, Cherry. You're messing up my cloud." The cherub skittered through the gates faster than lightning. Well, slow lighting. And they weren't really gates, just that hole, but he went through the hole, fast.

"Now, Finn. You must be wondering why I sent for you." He said, vaporizing Cherry's' drool and fluffing up his cloud.

"Err…. I jist figured ye'd made a mistake. I figured ye was sending me down ti hell." Not unlike the cherub, Megs' old Irish accent had returned. After all her work, they were going to send her down to be with Belch. A sick feeling developed where her stomach used to be.

"Why the heaven would we do that? We worked hard to get you here, we cant let Lucifer have you now." He laughed. "Anyway, what makes you think they still want you down there? It has been a year. Beelzebub wants his boss to forget about you. I won't hurt his little plan."

"You mean I can stay in everlasting bliss instead of damnation? Oh goody!" She said sarcastically.

"You're not enjoying heaven, are you? Would you just tell me what its like? I haven't been inside since I helped create it, millions of years ago." He looked wistful for a moment.

"Well, it's everything you could ever dream of, but dull, boring and perfect. It always stays the same because there is nothing to fix and it has everything. You can't try anything new because nothing _is_ new. I pretty much hate it." Meg bitterly explained.

"Oh." The Angel looked crestfallen. "I guess perfection wasn't the best way to go. Oh well. It's too late to fix it now. At least I'm out here though. I'm glad I can encounter imperfection." The angel fibbed a little.

"Ya…OK. Sure Mr. Peter. So why am I here, anyway?" She quizzically stared at a red button that was flashing madly.

"Right. I need a computer programmer. I need one that will come to heaven. I need one that can hack into other systems. I found somebody, but I need you to save his soul."

Meg raised an eyebrow. "Who and where." She demanded. "And when. When can I get out of this hell-hole? Or…err…heaven-hole. No pun intended." She couldn't help staring at the flashing button. It had started to buzz.

"Oh will you shut up!" He shouted at the button. "I know you're there, I'll be with you in a second." He jolted the button with his scepter. It let out a last indignant squeak, then fell silent.

"Sorry, my line is backing up. I'll make it quick. You can leave now. Don't come back until you want too. My treat. Grab some spirit residue on your way out, mind you, and just tell the mites I told you to have it. Oh and take this jacket. When you wear it you'll be visible to all humans. This is a book with all the information you'll need on the programmer. Read it before you go into the tunnel. Ok, I'd better let these guys up. All the good people waiting to get into heaven are going to kill me if I take any longer. Of course, I'm already dead but…"He trailed off, finally pushing the fuming button, a Portuguese woman appeared in front of them.

"Read the book now, Meg. Then I'll send you into the tunnel." He directed his attention on the old woman that was talking like mad about her innocent life.

"I'm on it Pietro." She used the name the old lady was calling the saint.

By reading the book, Meg found out that the computer programmer was fourteen years old. He lived in a mansion with his mother and had recovered his family's fortune by deceiving the fairies two years ago. _The fairies?_

"Pete, you've got to be kidding me! Fairies? Yea right! A twelve year old steals gold from little pixies! Un-hun, sure. Now tell me the truth before I die again, laughing!" She was indeed laughing, to the confusion of the German man waiting to go through the pearly gates.

"No, its true. There are fairies. However, they live underground. The boy kidnapped one of their captains, then held her for random. Tricky beings, the DeDannan. They managed to get half of the gold back by granting the kid a wish."

"Oh god, no more wishes!" Meg moaned. The McCall Wish list had been hard enough to complete.

"No, this wish is finished. All you have to do is make the boy's aura blue. I chose you, one, because of your experience, but also because I think you could relate to him."

"Crime, deception, theft. What makes you so sure I'll be able to save him? He sounds like a classic case for Beelzebub to me." Doubt dripped from her words.

"Beelzebub already _has_ a bunch of programmers. This one, this perfect, genius one, is mine. Now go, Meg, before I change my mind and send some seraphim in your place!" Meg went through the hole in the sky. Not the hole leading into heaven, the one leading into the tunnel.

Before she let the current sweep her away, she grabbed ten soul residue stones from the basket of a tunnel mite.

"Sorry, Peter's orders!" She called to the offended mite, stuffing the rocks in the pocket of the huge jacket she wore.

She was swept down the tunnel, past hundreds of souls, auras both red and blue, who were going in the opposite direction. Finally slowing down, Meg put her hands onto the wall, thinking _hole. _Meg was a veteran at being a spirit among the living. She knew what to do.

Stepping completely out of the tunnel, she emerged into a green countryside.

Sighing, Meg whispered "Hello, my beautiful Ireland, I'm home again." She flew around the green pastures for awhile, basking in the imperfection of the hills. Suddenly she encountered a huge stone manor.

"Well, I guess I've found my destination." She flew down, over towers and turrets, finally propping herself on the roof to finish reading the info on Fowl.

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"There's a girl on the roof, sir." Butler casually mentioned.

"What? How did she get up there?" Artemis was little more perturbed than his manservant was.

Butler re-wound the tapes, then gasped. Artemis looked up. It must be something really extraordinary to make _Butler_ gasp. "How, Butler?" The boy demanded.

"Errr…" He seemed embarrassed. "She..umm.. Flew, Artemis."

"What? A fairy?" He looked at the screen quickly.

"No…errrr. It appears to be just…a girl." They both looked disappointed.

"So what the devil is going on? Butler, could you please get Juliet onto the roof? I want to talk to this flying girl." The fourteen-year-old went back to his computer, trying to put the pretty girl out of his mind.

"Sure, Arty."

"Butler…" Artemis glared at his bodyguard. The pet name was _seriously _starting to bother him.

"Ok, ok, I'm going." Chuckling, Butler went to find his sister.

Juliet was in her bathroom, curling her blond hair into loose ringlets.

"What is it Butler? I'm getting ready for a date!" She put down the curling iron, her hair half-done.

"There's a girl on the roof, can you get her down?" He knew she could, but orders did not bear well with his sister.

"A girl on the roof? Explain, please." She went back to her styling as Butler explained the situation.

"Arrghh!" She put a surprising amount of emotion into the syllable. "Stupid duties. If a cute brunet boy comes to the door looking for me, please let him in. Don't let him meet Artemis, though" She said with a great amount of care in her voice. Juliet loved the Fowl boy. In a protective sense, it was nothing romantic. She had been raised to guard his life. Still, Artemis would probably scare off her latest boyfriend. Best to play it safe.

"All right. Just go, who knows how long she'll stay up there, reading."

"She's _reading _on the roof? What a little freak! Ok, I'm being harsh. But how _awful_ can her home life be that she'll crawl onto _our_ roof, just to _read_?" Taking a deep breath, she changed out of her skirt and pulled on a pair of baggy, camo-pants. She kept hre black tank top on, it would be fine in the dark. Walking out of the bathroom, she turned around.

"Oh, and Butler?"

"Yes, Juliet?"

"Don't show Drake your double-crunch pin-down trick, OK?"

"But Juliet, that was _exactly_ what I was going to do." He tried to be sarcastic, but he actually _had_ been planing on showing the boy a trick or two.

Juliet skipped up the stairs, climbed up at ladder, then crawled through a trap door_. Thank God I changed my clothes._ She thought. Trying her best to protect her hair, she crawled across the roof to the girl who was sitting there. _Ok, she's got a weird fashion sense too._ The girl was wearing an old-fashioned suit-coat. It was black, and made her look slightly bourgeois. _Actually, with those jeans, it's kind of funky_. The girls' red-brown hair was tied up in a messy-bun and she seemed to almost glow. It was faint, but after working with the fairies, Juliet had gotten used to picking up small details like shimmering air.

Silently padding up behind her, Juliet braced herself and pinned the girls' arms behind her back.

"Hey!" Instantly there was struggle. Kicking and screaming, the strange girl was brought down, into the house.

"Chill out, Monkey-Girl, It was _you_ who appeared without invitation onto our property, remember?" Juliet made the mistake of letting go of the girls' arms. Immediately, the stranger removed her jacket.

"What the..?" Juliet exclaimed as her arm went right through the girls' waist. Wait, monkey-girl was gone, jacket and all! _Now_ what was she supposed to do? If she hung around to look for ghost-girl, she would be late for her date. Best to let Artemis handle it. After all, the paranormal _was_ his area of expertise. Or, at least, one area of many.

"_Butler_, she got away." She made her voice as nerve-grinding as was possible through a walkie-talkie.

"Juliet, you have never allowed anyone to get away, ever. Only that one time, but it was _Holly_. How could you let a stupid girl get away?" He sounded annoyed.

"This is not _just_ some stupid girl were talking about. She has a coat that she wears to make her visible. When she takes it off, she's transparent and _gone_. I mean, she was _there_, I had a firm grip around her waist. Then, quick as lightning, she whipped the coat off and she was _gone_! It doesn't make _sense_!" She was getting really upset now. Finally reaching her room, she listened to Butlers' final comment.

"Fine. I'll check the tape using the new camera, the one Artemis constructed out of old LEP gear. Come down when you're finished getting ready, I'll show you what I have."

"Ok. Over and out." She switched off her walkie-talkie. Noticing some rubble on her tank-top, she changed into a slinky, black dress and re-curled her hair. Finishing with her make-up and nails, she checked in with Butler.

"Is he here yet?" She almost tripped putting on one of her shoes.

"No. Look what I found. Nothing much, but I did a x-ray scan on the jacket she was wearing, and there was a book in the pocket along with ten blue stones. Now the rocks are _weird_, but the book is more interesting. Look." Indicating the screen showing a freeze-frame of Juliet and a squirming monkey-girl, he clicked on the x-rayed image of the book. Enlarging the image, he instructed the computer to open it up. It showed only the first and last three pages, for that was all that the scan could pick up, but it was enough to know what the book was about. It was about one of the only things Juliet and Butler shared in common; Artemis Fowl.

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**Just point and click. Smile wide and review. I love it! flame me even! i dont care! i want feed-back, people! Mwah**


	3. Dr F Roy Dean Schlippe

**Heres another one, guys. Hey, I found some good reasons why Butler might like Holly. She saves his life (more than once if you count the other books). And she respects him (at least more than she respects Artemis.) Plus she's tough and courageous (traits he likes in people. A.k.a. Juliet). Anyway I was bored and wanted to be weird, so that's my pairing.**

**Ok I'm replying to the reviewers! By the way, if you want to read something stupid,look atthe review Angel Jennie wrote about this. She's diluted.**

**Schizophrenic Squirrel**—Awwww well I have been trying harder to stay in character, Cherry was fun to write. Arty will react kinda mixed. He likes her, but doesn't want to admit it. Its hard to write, but I like a challenge.

**Out Of Touch With Reality**--- Yes, they are really good books! And so fun to write ficcys about! Lol, I'll try.

**PoweroftheFrogs**--- Thank you. I will write more if my mom will get off my case, I still have my other storys to update though. YaY! Finaly someone respects my butler/holly pairing! YaY!

**Angel Jennie**---Yes, its suppose to be weird. Did you read my story? Have you ever met a perfect person? Get over yourself! And THIS IS NOT A JULIET/ARTEMIS PAIRING! Jeeze I don't think you even read my story.

**Dandelion queen**--- Hmmm….you sound familiar. Similar to the Madamoiselle violet who reviewed my ssottp story. Hmmm…. Claire I love you! Whooooo! I'm totally going to do that! YaY!

**I love this story**---Yes, I'm working on it. Still, He is a changed boy. He is still calculating and analytical but it's only the third chapter so it hasn't come in yet. Also…its hard to writeabout a genius. Eoin Colfer is amazing.

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**Chapter Three****Dr. F. Roy Dean Schlippe and his savior**

Artemis walked in his regal manner down the hall. Passing the staircase, he stopped. Something was wrong. Suddenly a cool breeze sped through him, shaking his nerves.

"Show yourself!" He demanded, pulling himself up to his full height. Thepolo shirt and shortshe wore mixed with his gangly height created a strange picture.

The breeze flew by again, rattling his bones. He felt as though _death itself _was playing tricks with him. How close to the truth he was. A cold hand crept up his face, feeling every curve and crease. Wincing, Artemis felt the fingers brush his closed eyes.

"Excuse me, but do you _mind_?" He asked, reaching for the hand. It was invisible and substance-less. No, scratch that. The air was _thicker_ where the hand was. Still, he could see no one. Reaching out in front of him, the boy stuck his arm right into the middle of Meg Finn's torso.

"Hey!" She said, but of course he couldn't hear her. "That tickles!" The whole face thing had been a joke. Meg had giggled like mad, spider-crawling her fingers along his visage. His expression had been priceless! Finally, she judged it was time to put on her coat.

"Amazing," He whispered. "Who are you?"

Meg resisted the urge to say _I am an angel from heaven, come to save your soul. _Instead, she replied. "Just a lost spirit, hoping to find dwellings with such an esteemed mastermind." Grinning, she didn't mention her mission, thinking she could save his soul without his realization.

"I see." He didn't try to hide his interest, openly staring. "May I?" He tried to stick his arm through her again. It hit a solid body.

"Ouf!" Do _you_ mind?" Meg dramatized. Despite the pale face and weedy build, Artemis Fowl was not altogether bad looking. Compared to Belch Brennan, he was heaven. Correction, he was better than heaven, he was real. _What are you talking about? Just save the guys' soul and get out. Don't complicate things, Meg. _

"I suppose you could stay, just don't let my mother see you. Also, I'd like to ask a few questions, would that be all right?" He eagerly inquired.

"Yes, that sounds fine." Meg noted the similarities between Artemis's eyes and those of his ancestors who hung on the walls. Lapis-blue and mature. Almost too mature.

"All right, come up to the surveillance lab then. I'm sure Butler will want to meet you. Juliet is out with her boyfriend, Drake, but I will introduce you when she gets home." He led her up a flight of carpeted, wooden stairs.

"That's fine, we've already met."

"Have you? Oh right, I sent Juliet up to retrieve you from our roof. I love your coat by the way. Very stylish." He tried to compliment her, in an Arty kind of way. Unfortunately, Meg was not used to the young prodigy.

"This? I wouldn't be caught alive in it! The coat's the only thing that allows you to see me. Yeuch." She looked down at her jacket, then had a change of heart. "You know, I guess it's not really _that_ bad, with my jeans it even looks slightly trendy." She smiled at Artemis, flying up to stand on his shoulders.

"That's incredibly strange, you have no weight at all!" Artemis exclaimed, scratching his head. In the literal sense, he wasn't really confused. I mean, he was, but that's not why he scratched his head. Meg was tickling it.

"That's because I was thinking _be light_ when I sat on you. It works like that. Watch this." She lifted up a bookcase that even Butler would be hard-pressed to hold over his head as she did. "That time I though _up_ and I could make it go up. But first I had to think _bookcase_, otherwise my hands would have gone right through it." She tried to explain the spiritual system to Artemis, but he was left scratching his head.

"Come inside and explain it to me again, but try to speak English this time." He led them into the surveillance room where Butler was busy sharpening his German AK-47 bayonet and surveying the house via camera. He looked up when they came into the room.

"Ah, you've found her Artemis, excellent. Good work." It was rare that Butler gave an outright compliment. He usually just silently accepted things and nodded his head. Artemis almost beamed. Almost. _I'm not a love-hungry two-year-old!_ He scolded himself. It was a complete lie. His mother spent all of her time at the country club and only came home occasionally for supper. Usually Angeline stayed out quite late and never paid any attention to her son. She was almost as neglecting as when she had been ill, before Holly had cured her. Butler was the closest thing he had to a parent, though their relationship was different than that. Artemis respected Butler. Still, the boy wished his father had not died. He wished the body had not been found, floating in the Arctic Ocean. If it had not, there would still be hope. As it were, his father was dead, killed by a thousand exploding soda cans. Artemis had never looked at cola the same way again.

"Yes," He finally replied, coming out of his reverie. Artemis watched as the phantom girl explored the room, fiddling with all sorts of machinery.

"Sweet duds! I wish I had had stuff like this when I had been alive. It would have made life more interesting." She continued exploring.

_It's disorienting,_ Artemis thought_, she speaks as though she's dead, but looks as alive as anyone else. Excepting that faint glow_, _of course_. Then he realized something.

"Hey, what's your name?" He asked her, slightly annoyed. She was playing with the stolen LEP gear.

"Meg Finn. Can I ask you a question?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Can you search for people on these things?" She gestured towards the computers.

"Yes," Artemis said, seating himself in front of a monitor. "Who do you want to search for?" He started up his locator program.

"Two people, actually. The first one…well, I'm not even sure if he's still alive." She stopped short, thinking how ironic it would be if Meg was on earth and Lowrie was dead.

"Name…?" Artemis said absentmindedly.

"Oh! Right. Lowrie McCall. He's an old coot, to be sure, got a failing heart. Has some spunk though, and I was wondering if I'd be able to encounter him again, whilst I'm here." She stretched her arms, cracking a bone that wasn't supposed to be there.

"Here we are…. Lowrie McCall, No! You don't mean the guy who married Cicely Ward do you?" His interest had been grabbed, despite himself.

"I guess so, but Sissy Ward was already married! Did McCall kill Mr. Ward?" She looked worried, if Lowrie had murdered someone, he wouldn't be joining her in heaven.

"Naw, the guy died of a heart-attack. Lowrie proposed six months ago and they got hitched on national TV two months later."

_Good,_ she thought, _now he won't have to worry about paying that visa bill. His millionaire wife will take care of it. _

"Oh well, can you search for Franco Kelly please? I want to see what happened to him after I left." Artemis ran the search. It came up with two sentences. _Not a pleasant person for most of his life, did not do anything remarkable, mostly watched TV. Changed a bit in the last year, got nicer, then Franco got hit by a car and died._

"Ah, well. No loss there." She did not feel sad. Except perhaps for the loss of the spirit residue she had given him.

"Do you want the address of the McCall guy?" Artemis asked. Meg nodded. The boy wrote down the information and handed it to the girl. He looked at her closely then. She had obviously seen a lot of pain in her life, judging from her eyes. She didn't care too much about fashion, more for practicality, having tied up her hair in a bun. Her clothes (aside from the jacket) were going for comfort. Worn jeans and a tee shirt. One thing Artemis didn't understand by looking at her, was how both Franco Kelly and Lowrie McCall, TV star and TV fan, had played a big enough role in Meg's life to make her look them up after she had _died_.

_She's pretty over-all_. He thought. _What are you talking about? Get serious Artemis!_ He scolded himself for letting down his guard around his unorthodox guest

Meg, however, was looking over the programmer and thinking_, Hot damn! Is he taken? If not, I'm going to take a shot!_ She smiled, perhaps that was how she could save his soul. He could fall in love! _Well, it's a good beginning. Oh course I'm not really like that. Has heaven infected my brain? The old Meg wouldn't gush over a guy! _She was suddenly self-conscious. _Satan-hell! I've got to stop thinking like this! _

"Artemis?" Butler frowned. "Check your e-mails OK? I think the fairies are going to reply to your phone-call." The night before, Artemis had phoned the operator and started saying random words that had to do with the lower-elements. D'arvit and Neutrino2000 being among them.

"Thanks Butler! How could I forget?" He quickly started up the computer that contained his private e-mail folder.

"Artemis, might I speak with the girl…errr…Meg, for a moment? I have something to ask her." He requested cautiously. He didn't want his master to think he was up to something.

"Sure Butler, go ahead." He was now eagerly reading a series of e-mails that had been sent in the last 24-hours from the LEP.

Butler directed Meg outside the room, then showed her six pages of printouts. She gasped, seeing the scanned samples of Peters handwriting. Then she read what they said. They were undoubtedly pages from the book she had in her pocket, but how had he gotten them?

"I used technology to scan the still-frame of your coat that I managed to capture on video. Then I X-rayed it, and it showed me these. Would you care to explain yourself, or do I have to be more persuasive?" He clenched his fists.

"It's no secret why I'm here, sir. I simply refrained from telling Artemis because I thought it might be easier if he didn't know." Meg proceeded to explain why she was there, leaving out only a few parts. She wanted to keep at least a little of it a secret.

He squinted at her, trying to see whether or not she was lying. "Let me get this straight. You've come to save Artemiss' soul, so that he can go to heaven. And what happens to me?"

"Well," She looked at his aura. It was pretty-much red. "You, errr, go to hell." She put it bluntly.

"No beating around the bush," He commented. "I like that. Do you think you can save me and my sister, too? I don't want Artemis to be lonely up there, and we're pretty-much the only family he knows." The protective nature he felt towards his client rang from every word the man said.

Meg raised an eyebrow at him. "What do you think I _am_? An _agency_? I came to save the _kid_, and he'll be hard enough as it _is_. _How_ do you suppose I can save two _bodyguards_? You guys _kill_ people! Peter is soooo _not_ going to let you in! I can _try_, but you'll have to be _totally_ saint-like to get past _that_ saint." She had this way of emphasizing her words. Butler fell silent.

"Well, then." He finally said. "Shall we go back in and see what Artemis has received from the LEP?"

"Sure," She trotted back into the surveillance room. _That was sufficiently awkward._ She thought_. I wonder whether they're ever going to tell me what's with the fairies_. Seating her self in a spiny computer chair, Meg glanced over Artemis's shoulder. He was typing furiously.

"What did you find?" Butler was more curious than she was, but he was sitting patiently on the other side of his master.

"The LEP replied to my call, Butler. They want to know what the hell I'm on about. They told me to stay away from the lower elements and they say that they where serious. I'm replying, saying that I have a situation and I need them to send an officer and that centaur, Foaly immediately.

If Foaly says yes, then they'll probably stay for about two days, maybe three. It depends on the enormity of the situation I create. I'm telling them that I'll debrief Holly when she gets here, they still don't really know why I called." He laughed, amused at his own power. Then Butler spoke up.

"Well, sir. I don't really know why you called either. And how do you know they will send Holly again?"

Artemis smiled, " She has the most experience on my file. And Butler, have I ever been one to reveal everything?"

"No sir, I suppose I'll figure out you're reasons soon enough."

"Indeed." The boy turned back to his computer.

Taking out his French MAB PA-15 semi-auto hand gun, Butler said, " Sounds like Juliet is home, I want to go meet her new boyfriend." He got up and left the room.

Gawking, Meg asked Artemis, "He's not going to kill him, is he?" She looked kind of freaked out.

"No, he'll just scare the guy a bit. He does this whenever he gets into a mood. Frankly I feel sorry for Juliet. It makes it impossible for her to keep a boyfriend." Artemis seemed not the least bit perturbed.

"Right." Meg felt it was safest not to say anything more.

"Of course, she should be used to it, she herself went through the same training as Butler did. If a guy she's going out with gets scared of a gun, then he won't last long around Juliet." He grinned, then concentrated on the project on hand. Hacking into his schools database again, he raised his cooking and gym marks up two percent each.

"What are you doing? Why don't you change all you're marks to A's?" Meg was confused.

"If I did that, do you honesty think my teachers wouldn't notice? They won't catch a couple of percentages, so I raise it up every day. People notice big change, they don't notice gradual change. You know?" Artemis tried to explain. Meg, however had picked up a few things. She had, after all, spent an entire year reading psychology textbooks.

"Yes, its like that in history, all the small things people don't notice turn into big things, then we look back two hundred years later and say, 'oh my god, I can't believe they didn't even have indoor toilets'!' People are slow to change, but they do change. That's the way the brain works; unless you are extremely perceptive, you wont hear the pin drop."

Artemis, despite himself, was impressed. Granted, he did not surround himself with other geniuses, but Meg spoke like she knew what she was talking about. Bodyguards are all very well when you are in danger, and even good for the occasional conversation, however they where not the most philosophical of humans, you had to admit.

"You sound like you know you're stuff." It was the closest thing Artemis could give to a compliment.

"I could get a Ph.D. in psychology if I wanted to. I mean, that is, if I was alive." Then it struck her. She _looked_ like she was alive, she _sounded_ like she was alive, and heck she even _smelled_ like she was alive! Maybe she could pass as alive until her spirit residue ran out.

"So could I." They smiled at each other.

Then an idea hit her. "Hey can you create fake ID's?"

Artemis looked like she had asked him if he could walk. "Of course I can. How do you think I came so far?" He grinned to himself. It was a reminiscing, evil grin.

"Do you think you could make me one?" Meg asked hopefully.

"Yes, but you'll have to give me something in return."

"Of course." She looked at him. Then, to her surprise, she stifled a yawn. In her spirit form she couldn't sleep, but who knew what this jacket could accomplish.

"Well," Artemis got up. "I'm going to hit the hay." He went towards the door, then turned around. "Hey, do you sleep? I mean, I could get you a bed if you do. Or a book. You know, if you want something, I will probably have it."

Meg thought for a moment. She thought she might as well ask. "A bed would be nice, and do you have a copy of 'Cranium sweeps over the centuries'? I was re-reading it before I came."

"'Cranium sweeps of the centuries'?" Artemis repeated. He walked back to a computer and did a search. "It doesn't exist. Are you sure that was what it was called?" He seemed a bit annoyed now. The girl had read something he hadn't.

"OK, well, anything would be fine. I prefer psychology books the best though." Perhaps heaven had books that hadn't yet been published. Interesting.

Artemis selected a book from his shelf. 'The textbook of textbook labels and textbook answers'. Meg smiled, she had memorized it ages ago. Gliding over to the shelf, she selected a volume she had not read before. 'A Psychoanalysts Mind by Dr. F. Roy Dean Schlippe.'

"Interesting choice." Artemis smiled, revealing pearly white teeth. "I wrote that one. I have had some experience with councilors over the years."

"Nice pseudonym, Dr.Schlippe. Could you have made the name any longer?"

"Yes, but it would have looked conspicuous." He led her to a room near the basement then went off to bed. Opening the book, Meg only got to chapter three before she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Satan had recently disintegrated his last computer programmer. The woman had been insolent and cheeky. Anyway, he was in the market again. Looking through his logbook, he did the same search as Peter had done not two days before. He, however, did not come up with the same results. Satan's gaze stopped on Foaly. The centaur sounded perfect for what he wanted. He was imaginative, had an attitude, a red aura and all. The only problem now was how the fairy would die, and also the little matter of how the centaur would make it into the human damnation.

"Beelzebub!" The second-in-command appeared.

"Yes, your low and deadliness?" He was the picture of obedience. Only a faint twitch at the corner of his mouth showed his normal evil demeanor.

"I want him!" Satan pointed at the name and explained his wish.

"But…errr…Boss, that's a fairy!" Fairies had an entirely different system that happened to them in the afterlife. They were re-incarnated. Although they _did_ have a resting-place between lives. "Couldn't you just settle with someone more…human?" The demon pleaded pathetically.

"No." The devil put it simply. "I want this guy, Bub. Get him for me or else I'll make you work with that Belch monster and take Kyle as my second in command." Beelzebub fumed. Not because of the nickname, although that was obnoxious. He was mad at the mere mention of Kyle. The man had been a movie director, initially brought in to darken up the décor. However, El Diablo had taken a liking to the mans taste, moving him up in rank. Now Beelzebub had a competitor for his job. Not good. Time to call Peter.

"I'll do my best, your lowliness." He bowed towards the door.

"Go then." He was dismissed.

In the hall, Beelzebub disintegrated several imps before calming down enough to call Peter.

"What is it Bub? I'm a little busy here. Sextuplet babiesdied in a fire this afternoon, it's a madhouse."

"I havean emergency, Pete."

* * *

**Ok guys, sorry my POV's are limited in this chapter. Next one I'll probably add in POV's from the LEP and Lowrie and a new character I have in mind. No, I didn't get my facts wrong, Artemis's father died in the ocean. Remember, I'm basing this story after the first book. The second and third do not happen. Butler doesn't get shot! YaY! Hey if you have time will anybody read my other stories? Especially 'Parody and Paradox' and 'War of the Weird Ones' because NOBODY IS REVIEWING THEM! Ahhhhgh! Ok ok**

**Cliky! Even two words are better then nothing! Review! YaY!**

By the way,Butler hadan actual military knife. Same goes for the gun. Yup, I did my research, I bet my mom thinks I'm in a gang now. She saw the sites I was looking at and got kind of freaked. Lol


	4. A leatherbound Shakespear

**Hey guys, it decided to incorporate Juliet a bit more into my story. If you don't like it, just tell me, I can dull it down. By the way, Roa is pronounced like Row. Anyway, have fun! I hope you enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: Colfer owns his own Shitaki mushrooms. McDonalds will sue me if they found out I was using them. Please don't tell! Anyway all rights allowed to the French fry fiends! Power to the potatoes! Shakespeare owns himself and his pairing…although he did not patent the names. And the Mafia is…well the Mafia. I mean, they own Dairyland for crying out loud! They definitely own themselves. HeHe. Hang tight, the plot is about to become a lot thicker. (((Grins evilly. Muahaha!))) Also Robert Deniro seems to be the property of the Focker family, but you would have to ask him. Ok, w/e. Here you go, the much awaited (((Soooo, soooo, sooooo sorry about that!)))…..**

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* * *

_**Chapter four.**

**Shakespeare, wheelchairs and fingernails on a cranium**

Juliet didn't even bother going to breakfast. She sat on the stairs, inside the manor gates, sulking. She hadn't particularly enjoyed her date with Drake; he had acted patronizing and superior. Still, did Dom seriously have to come down, holding his gun and screaming? It was a bit of overkill, in her opinion. Her boy-toys did not have to meet her family. Period. Now…if she could find someone serious, who wasn't afraid of violence, she wouldn't mind introducing him to Artemis or Dom. Juliet sighed.

As if on queue, a boy came trotting through the gates.

"Can I help you?" Juliet asked. The rest of the household would be at breakfast, therefore she was the only one to assist this guy. He was unremarkable. Short brown hair, brown eyes, blue jeans and a simple, black, long-sleeved shirt. He looked to be about nineteen, same age as Juliet. _It's a mere coincidence_, she thought. There was nothing remarkable at all about the guy. Plus he seriously wasn't her type. She was into sweet-talking skater-boys with gelled hair. The kind who she could fool. Preferably more then one at a time.

"I have a message for Artemis Fowl II. Is he here?" Well, at least he got to the point fast enough. That was something the Butlers couldn't stand; beating around the bush.

"Yes," She replied cautiously. There was something strange about his eyes. "He is eating breakfast though."

"Oh well, that's fine. I can wait." He plopped himself down beside her on the stairs. "I'm Roa, what do they call you?" She smiled, he seemed friendly.

"Jules," He frowned.

"What's it short for?" Roa asked. It was her turn to frown.

"Juliet… why?" She said slowly. This was weird.

"Oh god." He laughed. "My full name is Roméo." He started laughing hard, Juliet did too.

"Very weird. Who sent you here, if you don't mind me asking." On second glance, he wasn't so hard on the eyes. A semi-Spanish descent gave him a rather tanned look. His eyes' were also more Hazel, instead of the brown she had first labeled them as.

"Errr…" He smiled sheepishly. "The corporate heads of McDonalds. They hired me. I'm a high-risk messenger, I work for everybody though, not just them. But they have a query for Mr. Fowl, so I get to deliver it." He rolled his eyes. "Oh, well. It's a living, and I prefer this job to selling insurance in a cubical somewhere." He stared off into the distance.

"Oh I get it, you're like, a message-bearing-mercenary. They pay you to do something but it's a part-time contract, you owe the company no loyalty. Cool. Do you get to see much action? Or are most of your deliveries pretty tame?" She was interested in his job. She was also interested in him, but that could come later.

"Well, it depends who I'm working for. I'll do anyone. I even collaborated with the Mafia at one point." He froze. "Why the hell am I telling you this? Holly shit, you won't tell anyone, will you?" He pleaded with her. Juliet smiled.

"My lips are sealed. But you owe me." There was a glint in her eyes.

"What would you like? I'll give you whatever is in my power." He sounded scared. Of course, he had mentioned the Mafia. If word got out that he had mob connections, he could be arrested.

"What do you think I am? An ass-hole? I won't tell anybody. Just give me your number." Roa raised an eyebrow at her. Juliet just grinned. "For two reasons, you dork." She teased. "Master Fowl might come in need of the services you offer one day. Plus," Her eyes glinted again. "I'm in the market for a new boyfriend. One who won't run away screaming when my brother threatens to kill him."

"Did you just…?"

"Maybe." She started up the stairs, grinning. "You coming? Or are you going to sit there all day with your mouth hanging open." He slapped it shut and followed her into the mansion. Unlike almost everybody else, Roa seemed not the least bit perturbed by the dreary décor. Juliet was impressed. Although if he could stop staring at her it would deepen the impression.

"What! Do I have something on my face?" She finally exclaimed.

"No. You're beautiful. I'm just trying to figure out how to take you up on that offer." The compliment made her blush.

"Done. Wait for me after you're done with Arty. We can swap phone numbers and grab a pizza or something." She opened the dining room door, made sure Artemis was inside, and ushered Roméo into the room. Closing the doors behind him, she trotted upstairs to put a fresh coat on her nails then do some boxing exercises while they dried.

* * *

"Mwister Roolius Joot! Rulius Joot! Cwan I wask ywou a qwuestion?" A small dwarf child waddled up to Commander Root and Captain Short. They were shoving their way through the busy Haven plaza. 

"Stupid Centaur. He didn't have to handle this trash." Root pushed the dwarf out of the way.

"Actually, Julius, if anyone is stupid here, its you. I'm the one who came in before the lunch hour rush." They could almost hear Foaly smirking through their headsets.

"Whatever, let's just go." Holly skipped through the crowd with the grace of an elf.

"And _don't_ call me Julius!" Root growled, barreling after his captain.

They finally arrived at Foaly's tech room after being stalled by a mob trying to get into the cafeteria. The doors gave a pneumonic hiss as they opened automatically. They seated themselves in two padded chairs across from Foaly. Holly absentmindedly started spinning around in hers.

"_Captain…"_ Root said testily. He was not in a good mood. _When is he ever in a good mood?_ Holly thought and inwardly rolled her eyes. Outwardly she was the picture of an attentive captain.

"Ok," Foaly started. "So first of all, whose idea was it to actually agree to go to Artemis when he asked? We cannot be his scapegoat, don't you guys understand? He needs to learn to handle things on his own! If he calls us every time a problem arises, well, what can I say … we will waist precious funds …"

"Shut up Foaly. You know why we're doing this. He has numerous copies of the book and can easily expose us to the Mud Men. Now give us the plan and hand over the weapons. We want to be there by dusk." The centaur rolled his eyes, muttered something about how 'they never listen to the genius...' and proceeded to show them a blueprint of Fowl Manor.

"If they're really is a situation, as he says. You shall reside in the manor for two days. This, consequentially, means that you will remain helpless in the hands of Fowl during the day. To minimize any possible peril you could be found in at his hands, I am going to equip you both with several weapons. I have designed a new model for the buzz-baton. It has a larger shock rate and of course doesn't leave a trace. Buzz-Buddy also has a wider range of…" Everyone spaced out. Root took a pen out of his pocket and started clicking it open and closed. Holly simply started counting the ceiling tiles. She was at two hundred and forty-two when Foaly cleared his throat. Loudly. Both the LEP officers' heads shot up.

"You can start listening again. I honestly don't understand why I even bother. Nobody appreciates me at all." Root started clicking the pen again, his face growing slightly tomato-colored.

"OK, OK! Now I'll keep a constant communication line open, which means that I can't go to bed while your out in the field. Are you happy?" He sulked for a few seconds. Root growled. "Here, two prototype guns. The Neutrino3000 and a new laser gun called Burn-Beam56. It attaches like a lens onto your helmet visor and when you push a button on the wristband, you can control it. You aim through the lens in your helmet, giving you optimum control. In fact, to a Mud Man, it would look like you were shooting laser beams out of your eyes!" The centaur laughed, remembering the super heroes that he had watched on Mud Man TV. They had been his inspiration.

Suddenly Foaly whinnied in pain. He flung himself off his chair and rolled on the ground. His agonized moans were muffled because his arms were wrapped around his head. The two officers hopped to their feet and tried to figure out what was happening. Holly was beside Foaly in a flash, whipping off his tin-foil hat and trying to see where the pain was coming from. Root was assessing the situation and calling for the warlocks. Despite his normal attitude towards the centaur, Julius really did respect him as a friend. It would be awful to loose him, especially before the Artemis Fowl II mission II, which Foaly had been rather excited about. What was happening now? Why was Foaly clutching in agony at his head? Was this from Artemis?

Little did they know, Beelzebub was crouching beside the centaur, his hand inside of his head. He raked his long fingernails across the fairy's skull, irritated his brain cells and caused his cranium to swell faster than normally possible. It was the demons delight to cause so much pain to a mortal creature, he had not done so in centuries. Beelzebub plucked a sliver of red residue from his pocket and inserted it into Foaly's cerebellum. The first stage of his mission complete, he popped back out of the room, leaving an unconscious centaur and two frightened officers in his wake.

* * *

The cause for Artemis's great change was mostly due to Dr. O'Brian, or, more commonly called, Lynn. Butler drove Artemis to her office every Monday in the Bentley, and then bought a coffee at the café next door. He had installed an impressive security system in the building so that he could enjoy the hour off. Artemis agreed that the bodyguard should not be made too wait outside the door while he spoke with his shrink. This week however, Meg would be going with Butler, she had decided to attempt to drink a soda, just to see if she could consume food. 

Artemis was silent during the entire half-hour car ride. It was not hard to guess what he was thinking about. The corporate messenger from McDonalds had informed him that they had a copy of The Book. But not only The Book, but also half of the translated version along with the name 'A. Fowl'. For a reason only Artemis knew, the fast food company was deadly interested in the fairy bible. Of course it was all going according to plan. The McDonalds scheme was the Situation the young mastermind had created as the reason why he needed the fairies. (a/n yea this will be a little like The Eternity Code, but only a little. It will totally different in other ways.)

The black car pulled into the psychiatric building's parking lot. The three occupants emerged into the sweltering summer heat. The oil on the concrete was steaming and it gave off a noxious smell. Meg felt a migraine coming on from the toxic fumes as she rushed to follow Butler as he led Artemis into his appointment. Once the boy was secure they left the building and entered the Buzzing Bean, Butlers Monday afternoon caffeine buzz bar.

"Good afternoon, Artemis." His shrink sat in her wheelchair. Her jet-black hair was tied up in the usual braid down her back, her black suit only complimented by a silver and gold bracelet and ruby earrings. Like Artemis, Lynne was pale. She spent a good deal of her time researching her patients' backgrounds and receiving insider-information on their personal lives. (a/n all those who have seen 'I love Huckabees' will understand what I'm talking about. I'll describe it at the end of the chapie.) As well as that, Lynn, also not unlike Artemis, wheedled money from unsuspecting rich clients.

"Good afternoon, Dr. O'Brian. Did you draw any schemes to a crescendo this weekend?" He usually addressed her about business first. It was one thing they could both relate too.

"I withdrew $1,000 extra from the bank account of a Sir Austin McCaugney. How about you, do anything illegal this weekend?" She adjusted her position in her seat.

"Well, I received a calculated blackmail message from the corporate heads of McDonalds." He said pleasantly, not giving any details.

"Really? Tell me about it." She looked at him and half-smiled. They were on practically the same intelligence level. The senior having only a few I.Q points less.

"Oh well, nothing special." No matter how much he preferred Dr. O'Brian's company to that of other, less intelligent Psychiatrists, he would never reveal the identity of the lower elements to her.

"I highly doubt that, Artemis. Everything you choose to do is special. Otherwise you wouldn't bother with it in the first place." Now her half-smile turned into a full-fledged smirk; eyebrows lilting and amusement tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Stop trying to prove that you're worth your paycheck. At three hundred dollars an hour, you'd have to teach me how to fly to make an impression." He smirked too, eyes dancing in amusement.

"So," She understood that he did not wish to share. "Who was that girl outside, with Butler? A new girlfriend?" She pressed her fingertips into a steeple.

Artemis blushed. "Zoë was hardly my girlfriend. I accompanied her to one movie before she broke it off. And it wasn't a particularly good movie anyway."

"So who was the girl in the jacket?" She raised an eyebrow past her bangs. It looked almost comical.

"Her name is Meg." Artemis had, of course, already thought of a new identity for Meg. "Her parents died last spring and she was a distant relative to Butlers, so she was placed in our care." He rolled his eyes. "No, we are not going out." His hands were flat and white against his tailor-made shorts. He didn't seem to notice, but the shrink did.

"I see." She rapped her fingers along the left tire of her wheelchair. "Well, do you plan on going out with her? You could use somebody to attach yourself emotionally to, Artemis. You need to face your fears sometime, dependency is not always a bad thing." Artemis allowed her to finish before replying.

"I have only just met Meg and suddenly everybody is telling me why we should go out. I think I can make my own choices, which, at least, I believe that I have proven myself capable of doing." He was growing impatient. She was his psychiatrist, he usually trusted her. The fairies were getting in the way of their repertoire, but no matter. He would tell her the truth about Meg when the Lower Elements Mission was complete. Now all he needed was a decoy.

"All right Artemis, like you said, my fee is too high to spend the hour arguing. Anything you do wish to tell me?"

"Yes," He had chosen his subject in the car, anticipating his emotions. He explained to her what he was doing with his school marks.

"But, it being the summertime, wouldn't you have already gotten your report card?" Artemis had been transferred from St. Bartlebys to Patricia Maries academy for boys and girls. His mother had been worried that he was not around females often enough.

"No, my school runs on a different basis. The teachers are given the entire summer to compile the report cards, which they find reduces the stress and raises the levels of accuracy in the grading."

"Except in your case." She smiled.

"Except in my case, yes. In my case I have a higher I.Q. level than everyone else in the school, including faculty, so I hardly bother with the institution. I prefer to focus on schemes and such. Therefore, I tamper with my grades in Cooking, which I have never been good at, and Gym, which, as you can see, I am in no state to excel in." He looked down at his milk-colored, skinny body, grateful that he had his bodyguard to protect him. If anybody threatened him, he would be no good on his own. He did not like feeling needy. Lynn did not press the matter.

"But if they create the report cards during the summer, then there is nobody teaching summer school for the children who failed classes." She already knew the answer, but she wanted Artemis to feel smart. It was what he did best, after all.

"You already know that they wouldn't let in students who fail in any subject. Even if it is co. ed., Patricia Marie is still a prestigious school. Stop trying to make me feel at home."

"All right, Artemis." She wheeled her chair over to the oak cabinet behind her desk. It was the fact that she was physically disabled, and yet still he respected her, that had caused Artemis Fowl to accept other people for their differences. It was all subconscious, of course. He would never admit it if he realized it himself.

"If you can find the time, Mr. Mastermind, I'd like you to keep a journal of your actions during the summer. Elementary, I know. But sometimes the most basic activities can help." She handed a leather-bound diary to Aretemis; he slid it into his pocket.

"We shall see. I will write in it if I find the time. I assume you will want it back in September?"

"Yes, if you would. But today, I think our time is up. So you don't have to avoiding my questions for another week." He got up. "And Artemis?" The boy turned around before opening the door. "I would take up running, if I were you. It gets you into shape quite fast and is handy when you need to get out of tight situations." She smiled sadly. If it were any other person Artemis would have made a snide remark and left. But in front of Dr. O'Brian, who could not walk, let alone run, he simply agreed and left the room feeling sullen.

* * *

Lowrie sat at his rosewood desk, in front of his plasma-screen laptop, reading an e-mail from Robert Deniro and moped. He was not enjoying his life in the spotlight. The curtains had to be drawn across the windows all the time; reporters lingered wherever he went. Grandmothers had the hot's for him and grandfathers wanted to be like him. He was the senior model for twelve different clothing companies and had a spot on prime-time television along-side his wife, Sissy Ward-McCall. He lived in a huge mansion full of staff that never left him alone. Everyone wanted something from him; whether it was cash, kisses or new, catchy, completely cliché catch phrases. He sighed. 

Cicily walked into the study.

"Troubled dear?" She noticed his glazed expression as she bent down to kiss him.

"I need a break." She looked up at her, eyes wide.

"A vacation? I suppose one_ is_ in order, since we finished taping the season … but we just had our honeymoon. Do we really need to take another one right now? Especially since the last time the beach was filled with people trying to get shots of us smooching." She laughed.

"Why anyone wants to see moldy-oldie action beats me." Lowrie sighed again. "But I don't mean a vacation, dearest. I need a break from show biz. This pace is going to put me in an early grave. I don't think I can do the next season." He frowned, suddenly he felt immensely tired.

"A break?" She squeaked. Sissy loved the fast pace, the glitz and the glamour. It was in her nature. "But Lolo, can't we tape one more season? We can retire later, but its so much fun! Don't you like it when people recognize you on the street?" She got a glint in her eye.

"I don't mind, but I'm getting tired, and my transplant is feeling funny." It was a lie, his heart transplant was fine, but he selfishly wanted her to feel sorry for him.

"Oh, well then. I suppose you can retire, but would you mind too terribly if I taped another season?" She waited for his answer.

"That's fine." He turned back to his notebook, slightly relieved. She left the room and he went back to checking his e-mail. Suddenly he gasped.

And e-mail from Meg. It sounded like Meg, every word of it, too. He read it three times just to be sure he wasn't hallucinating.

_Hey, geezer. I heard you made it big, hey? Married kissy sissy and everything! Well, I'm in the area and I thought to look you up. What was I thinking? Huge sensations like you … spending time with a teenage spirit? Hah! I'd rather die again! But just to catch up, since you had so much fun doing that with Ball, if you can fit it into your busy schedule to come to Barrie's diner, on Carrie avenue and Twelfth street tomorrow, I'll be there._

_Okay, see you, Mr. Hotshot. _

_Meg Finn_

_p.s. Did you hear what happened to Franco!_

He almost fainted. Meg Finn had saved his life, and was the closest thing he had to a friend since Ball died. Unfortunately, Meg Finn was dead too. If this was some sort of a cruel trick, and there was nobody at the diner when he arrived, he would be mad. But what if it really was Meg? How could she be _in the area_? It was all too much for Lowrie, who decided to hit the hay early and retired to his bedroom.

_

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_**Ockely dockely. Well, it wasn't as long as I had wanted, but I figure I might as well split up the story a bit, instead of cramming it all into one chapter. lol. Tell me what you think! Which plot lines do you like the most? What do you think I should fix! I need more Con. Crit.! It's awesome! Ask me questions, ask me to review your stories, anything! I'm sooooooo hyper! I love this! Whoooo! Well, sorry for the delay in writing this chapter, I just got back from camping today, plus I have to train my dog and I have all the other stories to update. Still, reviewing will make me want to write faster!**

**Oh, and I totally wasn't being too harsh on Jenny, her friend Kitty reviewed too and both of the reviews scare me, but they are sooo funny. How stupid can some people be? I read their profiles and its weird. Sorry, I'm rambling. **

**I -heart- Huckabees: These two scary people stalk their patients and try to find out WAY too much personal info. It's hilarious. Anyway, Lynn just puts agents tracking people (not arty of course, butler wouldn't allow it).**

**Ok, push the little bluish button down there! Look I made an arrow!**

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	5. A funky number two sandwich for MrColfer

**Sorry, it took me a while to update. I have… life to do. It's a real bother.And I KNOW Artemis is OOC!**

**Holly returns Butlers feelings!woot! I'm thinking of making this a Foaly/Root slash too. What do you guys think? lol. Maybe not… but I was seriously thinking about it… you tell me if it would work or not… after reading the LEP bit. I don't know how Satan's plan was going to work, I have no idea whether he could have stuck red residue in Foalys brain, or whether it would remain solid, but IN THIS STORY IT DOES! Woot! Now, to foil Beelzebub's scheme…. **

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**Chapter Five: What am I going to do? Eat a Number Two burger?—Under the pseudonym of Eoin Colfer **

Julius had not left Foaly's bedside since the incident. The centaur remained unconscious well past dusk, but nobody cared about the Artemis Fowl mission anymore. The whole thing would fall to pieces without Foaly, anyway. Holy sat beside Root in a deep state of meditation. They were both trying to figure out what had happened. The vigil lasted for hours until Holy finally got up.

"I'm going to get something to eat, do you want to come?" She asked, suppressing a yawn. Root shook his head, still in a state of shock.

"Just bring me a black coffee. I'll stay here with the centaur." The commander said, unusually quiet and pale. Holly Short left him to his thoughts, hurrying to get there before the diner closed.

Root stared at Foalys familiar face, half expecting him to wake up and say it was all a joke. Unfortunately, all he got was a slight toss on the centaurs' part, trapping the hand Root had placed on his chest underneath Foaly's bottom. Grunting, he tried, and failed, to remove it. He sighed and banished any mutinous thoughts as to the firmness of the ass's bum. In an untimely burst of luck, the computer programmer chose that exact moment to wake up.

"What in Merlin's name is going on here?" He whinnied groggily and shifted his body weight off of the commander.

"Finally," He flexed his crushed digits. "You weigh a ton, better cut down on carrots, centaur." They laughed awkwardly. They both knew Julius's gibes were not to be taken seriously.

"What happened? All I remember is an excruciating pain, Then it all, thankfully, went black." Foaly cracked his neck bones.

"Ummm…" Julius did not think it would be wise to tell Foaly that he had stopped the A.F mission because of his accident.

"Root, do I ever leave you completely ignorant of anything? I don't even know how long I've been asleep! Just tell me! Whatever it is, it can't be worse than how my head feels right now!" He rubbed his temples and nudged Julius into submission with a hoof.

"You've been asleep for just under fourteen hours. Short and I decided to postpone the mission and nobody can figure out what happened to you. The more conservative council members even speculate that the whole thing is just an act to get a bigger paycheck." _Short and I decided to postpone the mission, ha!_ Everybody knew that only Root could make that sort of executive decision.

"Wanting a bigger paycheck?" Foaly said innocently, batting his eyelashes, "Who, me?" He gave it up when Root ruffled his hair, a monumental act. "Umm…" He said awkwardly. Root was acting very out of character.

"Sorry, I just never knew how big a part of my life your mimics were. As much as I hate to admit it, centaur, I'm glad your back. The LEP could never survive without you." He winced at the confession. It was so unlike him to be nice to people. Even people who were his friends.

Foaly grinned at him. "Of course you couldn't have, but just to make sure you remember…" He brandished a tape-recorder that he had pulled out of his poket. " I'm keeping a record. Don't worry It's between you, me … and Holly." They hadglanced over at the door where Holly stood holding three cups of coffee and a take-out bag.

"Foaly, thank Frond your awake. I'm glad to see a little male bonding happened while I was gone. Now, drink this, " She pushed cups into each of their hands. "And explain what we're going to do about Fowl." Shegazed at the ceiling. "And Butler." She added finally. Holly felt an uncanny bond with the man whom she had saved; in fact, lately she could not keep him from her thoughts. Not in the best friend sense, either.

The two males exchanged amused looks. At a glare from Holly and they stopped giggling, but still continued to snicker through the whole conference.

**&&A little while later…&& **

"So, a brain scan is called for." Foaly finally concluded.

"That's why we're in the Scan-tram room, isn't it?" It was eleven O'clock at night. Both elves were exhausted and could take not one more minute of the centaur's rants.

"Yes. It happens to be why we are in my newly updated Scan-tram room. I re-constructed scan equipment so that we no longer use X-ray radiation, but a special nuclear glowing substance called Moltyn and when we shine it on a body it uses a natural…"

"Shut up Foaly." Everyone quieted him. Including the assistant dwarf.

"Yes, it is getting rather late, isn't it?" He hopped onto the machine and allowed it to thoroughly scan his brain.

"What the…" The assistant was looking at the printout, wide-eyed. "Mr. Foaly..."

"What is it, Nalph?" He plucked the sheet out of the dwarfs hand.

"What in…" He whispered, awestruck. "Quickly enflamed cells often create a stress-induced substance, but what is _that_?" He pointed at a red crystal-like shard wedged into his cerebellum.

"A ruby?" Suggested Root.

"Maybe a piece of dried ear-wax, shoved up too far?" Holly giggled. They were both hyper.

"It would never have made it past my eardrum. Don't be stupid. Somehow when I was clutching at my head, an invisible person was inserting this," He pointed at the red chip. "But they left no mark…" He fingered his scalp. "It must be some sort of High Tech tracking device." He looked at Holly, and pointed at her.

"You took off my aluminum hat, didn't you! It was wired with all sorts of anti-harm devices! I can't believe you did that! You know how paranoid I am! And for a good reason, too, it seems!" He turned on Root. "Now that you know I had reason to be cautious, you better apologize for teasing me all those years of teasing!"

"Sorry Foaly…" Root started to edge out of the room, Holly close on his heals. Oblivious, Foaly started ranting about how right he had been, the humans had been plotting against him! Now he would have to have surgery to have their device removed!

Root gave Holly a ride home, and as soon as he was at his place, sank himself into a much-needed mud bath. Tomorrow would be a big day.

**&&Pour Foaly… whatis hegoing to do?&& **

"Now what the hell am I going to do!" Artemis was in one of his rare moods. Well, he was rarely in such a _furious_ mood. The LEP had failed to show up the night before. The McDonalds messenger was there, waiting for a reply, and Artemis's entire plan was falling to pieces.

"I was _sure_ the lower elements would come. I was _sure_! I have copies of their _Book_, for god's sake! What will I tell McDonalds?" He was screaming at the Butlers. Meg was there too.

"That you are being fashionably late?" Juliet offered. She was not particularly upset that Roa (a/n pronounced like **_row_**, for you who don't read my authors' note.) would be staying longer.

"Fashionably late?" The fowl heir squeaked. To an onlooker, his distress might have seemed comical. To the elder Butler sibling, it was alarming. Surely his master would have a back-up plan? He voiced his suspicions aloud.

"I was counting 98 on the LEP coming!" He shouted, pacing and tearing at his hair.

"What about the extra two percent?" Meg reminded him. She walked over and quieted him, hating to see her biscuit in such distress.

"I was going to tell them that the _Book_ was something that I was writing. A children's novel under the pseudonym of Eoin Colfer, but I doubt they'd believe that. These are the people who created Happy Meals, for gods' sake! Not to be underestimated." He still enjoyed a nugget Happy Meal every now and then. Although Butler was the only one who knew about his fascination with the toys.

"They are also the ones who named the _number-two_ _sandwich_! Not the brightest tools in the shed, if you know what I mean!" Meg absentmindedly stroked his hair. Artemis was too worked up too notice, and he leaned against her without thinking.

Laughing, Juliet made an excuse and left the room. Butler said that he wanted to run through some surveillance tapes and slipped out without waiting for permission.

"What am I going to do?" The Fowl whispered, grabbing hold of her hand. The one that wasn't running through his locks.

"I don't know, but we'll think of something." She said softly, basking in his touch.

"Thank you." He whispered. Their lips met instinctively. Neither of them had any experience, but it wasn't all too unpleasant. It was warm and dry and they stayed together for a moment, then broke away awkwardly.

"I should go… meditate." He moved away slightly.

"Yes, I told Lowrie I'd meet him…" She hoped that Artemis did not regret their kiss.

"I'll see you later, then." On impulse, he lightly traced her cheekbone with his left hand before leaving her in the room, blushing.

**&&awwwwwww… fluff! And arty is hopeless!&& **

Artemis was much too preoccupied to concentrate on his meditation. He sat, eyes closed, remembering every detail of his moment with Meg. He also tried to recall some of the books he had read on the business of relationships. Not much seemed relevant to him now.

'_Listen to what she has too say_.' Had she said anything? He supposed he had failed in that commandment.

'_Do not take anything for granted.'_ Did that mean that she might not have wanted to kiss him? He grew confused.

'_Put no restrictions on her emotions.'_ What the HELL was _that _supposed to mean? That she could become a creepy stalker like the girl in _Fatal Attraction_?

'_Take your relationship one day at a time.' _Another one of his faults; Artemis was a planning fiend.

'_Trust yourself.'_ He supposed that was the only one that made much sense. It meant he should stop reading about love and start experiencing it for himself. Sighing, he got up and stretched.

"Juliet? Could you please ask Myna to make me some lemonade?" He called down the hall.

"Sure Arty." Yawning, he ignored the nickname.

"I really should get some work done," He muttered, and started trying to devise a plan.

**&&If you have any suggestions for a plan I would appreciate it!&& **

Lowrie sat in the diner nervously. Ten more minutes. He would give her ten more minutes. He glanced around skittishly; watching to make sure nobody was laughing at him. Nobody even looked at him. Lowrie was in full disguise. Dark sunglasses and a green trench coat covered a blond wig and a pink Hawaiian shirt, complete with lei. He wascompletely inconspicuous.Lowrie took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to shed built-up tension. When he opened them, Meg was there, sitting in front of him. They studied each other for a moment, silent. Finally Lowrie spoke.

"Explain. How in gods' good name are you here? And what's with the jacket?" She stared at his trench coat.

"I'd ask the same of you. I thought I taught you some style when I was here." She eyed the lei, scrutinizing his outfit.

"Shut up, convict. This is a well-thought-out disguise!" He pouted on the outside but on the inside, he was beaming with joy. It was Meg!

"Ya, sure, mmhmm." Something similar was going on inside Meg. He was the closest thing to a grandfather that she had, even if they did argue all the time. She had missed him in heaven. Now that he was right in front of her, she had no idea what to say.

"It's terrible." She finally exclaimed. "Everything is perfect. You don't want to go there. Never." She started to describe heaven to him. A deeply worried look etched itself on Lowries brow. A hopeless look developed in his eyes. Suddenly Meg realized what she was doing.

"I don't mean to take away your hope fortheafterlife, McCall. But I need your help." She explained to him her plan.

"Ok, I'll help you. But only if I can meet your _boyfriend_…" He smirked.

"How do you know about Arte…" She remembered that she had used Artemiss' e-mail account to send the letter to Lowrie. He smiled.

"He's _only_ an evil genius… nothing special…" And she had tosay a _third_ explanation.

"Hmmm… Well, I'll have to meet this boy…" Meg shook her head.

**&&Muaha! I shall not yet reveal my plan to take over the spiritual world…oups. &&**

Roa and Juliet sat in the garden, cross-legged, staring at each other. Staring so hard, in fact, that one might have mistaken them for angry. But no, it was a mere staring contest. Finally Roa relented, and blinking several times, he wiped teary eyes. Juliet smiled, blinked and leaned forward tokiss him. They had only been together for two days, but they had become very attached to each other. She had found out that the reason hewas such a popular messenger was because he had aphotographic memory and he could deliver a flawlessno-trace letter.Roa found out that she had a blue diamond tattooed on her upper arm, which meant much more than he thought. Suddenly Juliet realized that she didn't know anything about his family.

"What's your last name, Réo?" She asked, curious.

"Steward,"Her facepaled andshegawked at him, open-mouthed. "What?" He asked.

"Steward?" She repeated. "Steward, the martial arts family? _The_ Steward family who are the arch-enemies of the Butlers?" Her stomach did a flip. He couldn't be a _Steward_! He couldn't! Domovoi would _KILL_ her! Not to mention _Roa's_ parents!

"Yes, why?" Realization hit him. Like their namesakes, they would have to create a truce between both families. Hopefully their story would not end as tragically as the Shakespearean play.

"Your blue diamond… from Madam Ko, right? Oh, you are a Butler, aren't you?" She nodded twice. He sighed.

"Jules, what are we going to do?" Roméo was not the first person to ask that question that day.

"I don't know, but we will think of something." She unintentionally echoed the reply voiced by Meg in response to Artemiss' question.

"This is crazy, girl, lets put our minds at rest for the time being." She allowed him to wrap an arm around her waist as they watched the sun go down.

**&&Ahahaha! Can anyone say…? THE PLOT THICKENS? Oh yea!&& **

Beelzebub watched as Foaly did brain surgery on himself. Using virtual reality goggles and sensor-gloves on his hands, he operated in mid-air. A robot mimicked his every move, excepton his brain. The centaur had used an anesthetic that dulled the pain, but left his brain functioning and conscious. A smug lookwas on hisface. He loved using his own equipment.

Beelzebub, on the other hand, was so furious he could burst!

"I put an anti-X-ray coating on the residue, but what did the centaur do? He used Moltyn! Mammals aren't supposed to know about Moltyn! It's suppose to be God's little joke that they subject themselves to radiation when they could use perfectly…" He realized that he was babbling.

"STUPID CENTAUR!" He roared. Beelzebub had run out of ideas. The residue had been suppose to slowly transform his aura so that he had to go to Hell, no matter what the spiritual lawwas.

Growling, he tried to force a back-up scheme out of his skull. He was unsuccessful. Charging through Damnation, he zapped everyone he could until he got to Satan's office. He knocked.

"Come in, Bub." The demon shivered, and walked in.

**&&hahah! You guys, I put a mini-mini-cliffhanger! (Not really but w/e)&&**

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**REVIEWS! THANK YOU!**

**_Lady of Faery_**_: Thank you. It's hard to keep them all IC, but when I cant, I try to screw them up! I'm glad I made you laugh. I'm also glad it's insane. It's supposed to be. Muahaha!_

**_PowerOfTheFrogs_**_: Sorry if it's confusing. If you tell me what was worst, I can try to explain it to you. Thanks, I like the names Romeo and Juliet… and I was kinda hyper… but when am I NOT hyper? I hope you like the RomJule parody, its gunna be fun._

**_Megg_**_: I know, and when I finish writing it, I am going to try to fix that. Right now, I just want to get it out of my head! I think I e-mailed you though…_

**_PeanutButterOreoCookieGirl_**_: Thank you. I know he's OOC, and when I finish this fic, I will edit it and try to make him a bit better. _

**_Almost Insane_**_: Thanks, I try._

**_CaptainAriannaTrouble_**_: Thanks, ya I love them. I just thought, who's to say you stop being yourself when you die? Just so you know, I based their reactions roughly on how a male and female hamster meets. Cautious but curious, then they go for it. But I'm not going to get graphic in THIS fic. Hehe._

**_Schizophrenic_**_**Squirrel**: No prob. You review my other stories, which is SUPER COOL! I will not begrudge you for a late review. Did he? Ok, I'll check and try to fix it. I guess I just meant that Zoe (his ex) had not been his girlfriend… he is diluted. Well, I have fun with Roa and his photographic memory… hehe. I don't care about the 'angels', lol. Your compliments are…staggering. Merci beacoups, thanks a ton! One thing… I'm sooo Canadian… what grade is freshman? Nine? God, I'm hopeless. One thing I do know, high school is crazy! Good luck! _

**_Mademoiselle_**_**Violet**: Yes. –Sticks out tongue—You wacky Claire! –Blows kisses at review—you are crazy. I love it!_

**_Kchan_**_: Thanks, I really wanted something original… I know he's OOC, I'm going to try and fix that after I'm done writing this. _

**Ok, so that was my update. Did you like it? I sure hope so…I loved writing it! Especially the LEP stuff! It's so fun! I think I'll save the FoalyRoot for another story, though, it would be WAY too complicated for this one but… TELL ME IF I SHOULD EVEN DO ANOTHER STORY! DID THIS CHAPPIE SUCK? TELL ME ABOUT IT BY… reviewing… hehe. Click it**!


	6. Wet and Wicked

**I had a hard time of this chapter, it kept getting out of my grasp… I know I havnt updated for a bit…I wont apologize though….I really DO have a life…a lot of things happened during my writers block…:-) haha…sorry…. And if you want some forshadowing as to what will happen in this story, read the bottom authors note. **

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**Wet and Wicked**

"I'm having slight technical difficulties getting the centaur, Foaly, into hell."

"I know."

"Errr…what should I do?"

"Nothing."

"What?"

"Leave it, I don't care about him anymore."

"WHAT?"

"_Don't push it, Bub_!"

"Sorry, sir. Do you have another programmer in mind?"

"Yes."

"Might I ask whom? And whether or not they are human?"

"Yes."

"…"

"Artemis Fowl: Criminal mastermind. Current status: being pursued by one of Peters' soul-men."

"And I should do…?"

"Send a soul-man of your own after this kid. Artemis' aura is already red, all you have to do is make sure he dies before Miss Finn switches it to blue."

"Right. I'll get on it immediately."

"You do that."

"…"

"What is it, Beelzebub?"

"Might I ask what happened to Kyle?"

"He got on my nerves, THAT'S what happened…NOW GET OUT!"

"Yes, sir."

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**meh… sorry about the total dialogue thing…..I just felt bored with descriptions…..**

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Meg scowled at her reflection. Artemis was going overboard. I mean, she liked him and all, but he was moving WAY too fast. Didn't Butler have cameras all over the manor grounds? Artemis had tried to kiss her again in the garden, and she had gotten alarmed and left. Now she studied herself in the bathroom that was attached to her bedroom. A small blemish was sitting at the end of her left eyebrow, which was fanned. Her nose pointed slightly up, and her ears were alarmingly small and un-pierced. She had a smattering of freckles across her cheeks and her eyelashes were too long. Everything about her looked ordinary but she was possibly the least ordinary teenager in the world. Her mousy brown hair kept falling in front of her eyes, the fault of a self-inflicted haircut back when she was living with Franco, her jeans were a little big, and had become ripped as they had dragged and flopped on the cement streets of Dublin. After the meeting with McCall, she had stayed in the city for the afternoon to research recruits so that she could initiate her plan. She had not yet told Artemis about her mission to save him, or her plot to take over the spiritual world, and was slightly skeptical weather or not he would help her. She shook her head.

_I need his help. I won't be able to negotiate without him. I need him to help me with all the details, the technical stuff, everything._

She washed her face and went down stairs for breakfast, deciding that it would be best to tell him.

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**Ya, ya, a monologue…And a mirror of emotions felt and discarded…blah, blah, blah…**

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Artemis barely glanced in the mirror as he brushed his teeth. He knew what was there; a pale-faced, raven hared, skinny, cynical boy. A boy in love with himself. A boy in love with a ghost. He was contemplating weather he should involve Meg in his plan to re-claim the fairy bible from McDonalds.

_I could use her ability to become transparent to my advantage. But will she want to help? I seem to have done something wrong._

He did not overly worry about her. He did not overly worry about anyone, anything, ever. It was not his style. He rinsed his mouth out and decided to ask Meg for her help during breakfast.

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**K, ya, that was short, but …I'm so into other stories right now.. you're lucky this is even here...**

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Styx was crouched in a corner of the dining room, listening to the Fowl company's morning conversation. He was still a little nervous about being on earth again, having been in hell for so many centuries, but was fairly sure that he could do the job.

"Ok, so let me get this straight. You are hosting a rebellion to create a middle ground between heaven and hell. A sort of purple-place, if you will. You say that Heaven is so terribly perfect that it is close to touching Hells damnation. You want to create a resting-place called Hael where people can choose to go if their auras are imperfectly balanced, as you say most peoples' are." The pale boy took a bite of his eggs.

"Yes. Will you help me out?" The girl in the funny jacket looked nervous. Styx liked it when people were nervous, it was easier to scare them.

"I don't see how I can. Its not as though I can go waltzing up to Heaven and negotiate with Peter, wouldn't that mean I would have to be dead?" Styx tried not to laugh. The boy would be dead soon enough.

"Well…" The girl looked at her hands. "I want to try something. You know how this jacket can make me, like, alive? Well, I thought…" She giggled a little. "It might make you dead. Temporarily, of course. What do you think?" She nibbled on a croissant. Styx wanted to nibble on her head. Just wait until the master heard about this!

"I suppose…you have no way of knowing whether it can be reversed? I don't want to be stuck in the spirit form forever…." He winced. "Not that I don't like you how you are."

"Right!" She had finished the croissant. "If you're not interested in helping then I'd better go, I've got hundreds more people to recruit before I can start the rebellion." She was up and at the door before Artemis could stop her.

"I'll be right back." He told the rest of the table, this morning being only the Butlers. Styx followed him down the hall.

"Meg!" The boy called. Styx lifted his staff, ready to deal a fatal bow as soon as he was in range... The girl turned around.

"Artemis! Watch out!" Meg knocked the demon to his feet, his staff smashing into a flowerpot.

"What in the world?" The boy was at the pot, running his hands over the broken pieces. "This was an antique!"

"I would have thought, pretty boy, that with all your experience with the fairies, you would have known when you were being ATTACKED by something INVISIBLE!" Meg was struggling with all her might against Styx, who was a high caliber demon. Artemis shot her a Look, but quickly ran over to help once he saw what was happening. Rather, he did not see what was happening, but he saw his girlfriend being held in a rather uncomfortable position and decided to intervene.

"Take…off…the jacket!" Meg walloped the hellion in the face, trying to wrench his clammy hands from around her throat. Artemis tried to maneuver around whatever was on top of her, finally freeing one of her arms from the coat. He could no longer see Meg or her attacker.

"Put it on…" He heard her groan from beside him. Yanking it out from under her, he shrugged it on over his own jacket. Suddenly he was translucent, ethereal. Now he could see everything that was going on. It didn't reassure him. A gray-skinned monster was pounding the crap out of Meg; its hair was flaming dangerously and a sharp-looking razor swung on the end of his tail.

"Oh my god. I honestly need to take up sports…" He muttered and started to launch himself on top of the creature. At the last second, he spotted the staff in the rubble of his mothers' flowerpot. He darted over to it and grabbed it without thinking.

"Bugger!" He dropped it quickly, rubbing his scalded hands. The staff was glowing red-hot. Meg didn't seem to be doing very well, but what could he really do?

"Cold…cold…I need something cold to counter its heat…" Artemis ran to the door of the garden, trying to fling it open. His hand went right through.

"Great!" He exclaimed sarcastically and walked trough the glass door towards the fountain. "Meg! Come here!" He realized his stupidity when he saw that she was lying limp on the floor and the monster was coming towards him.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no…" Impulsively, he stuck his hands in his pockets. He fingered the stones before realizing what they were. Meg had explained the spirit residue system to him the day before. Looking at her now, he realized that if he didn't get her a stone fast, she would be lost to him. The girl was fading fast, literally.

"Ok…WATER!" He thought violently and stuck his hands into the fountain. He came up with a handful of cool water. He threw it into the face of the demon and ran through the wall towards Meg.

"Here, take this!" He pressed a blue stone into her forehead but didn't have time to watch her revitalize, for Styx was towering on top of him.

"Time to die, mortal." Artemis would have laughed at the catch phrase had they been in a movie, but in real life it was a little more sinister. The demon raised his staff above his head…and smashed it into the ground. Artemis winced as he heard the hardwood-flooring crack.

"I guess he's still a little dizzy. It happens when you've been away from earth for awhile." Meg grabbed Artemis' arm and tugged him outside. "Nice move with the water, there, but its going to take a little more than a few drops to stop him." She was running towards the swimming pool.

"Can you swim?" She asked, pulling him behind her.

"Yeah…" He didn't have much time to answer before they were crashing into the pool.

"Good. I know for a fact that he cant." She gestured towards Styx, who was running after them. "Plan A, he's too stupid to remember he can't swim and he follows us into the pool. Plan B, we force the jacket onto him and toss him into the water, allowing him to drown, possibly loosing the coat. Are you up for it?" She ruffled his translucent hair.

"Do I have a choice?" He asked, staring wide-eyed at the creature running towards him.

"Ask Styx yourself!" She shouted, floating a little above the water. He followed suit.

"I don't think I…" He tried to answer but was cut off by the enormous splash made by the demon jumping into the water.

"Oh man…" Meg laughed. "He's sooooo dumb!" She watched him fade into nothing before turning to Artemis.

"Hello sir, might I please have my coat back?" She was smiling like the devil himself.

"Of course." Again Artemis didn't think and as soon as he took it off he was shooting down into the pool. He heard hysterical laughter but he obviously couldn't see where it was coming from.

"_Honestly_!" He swam to the side of the pool, only to be dragged back in again by invisible hands.

"Are you ok?" She asked quietly in his ear.

"I scalded my hands, but I'll be fine. I'm just…tired." He yawned, on queue.

"Ok, let's get inside." She dragged him out of the pool.

"I have to ask you something…" He coughed a little liquid out of his lungs.

"What?" She had the jacket on and he could see the water dripping off of her chin.

"Meg, will you, will you m…"

"Artemis we're only fourteen! Think before you speak!" Meg raised an eyebrow.

"What?" He looked at her strangely. "I was _going_ to ask if you could meet me in the garden later, after we are rested and the repairmen have been contacted for the floor."

"Oh, sorry, of course. I'll see you later, then." She smiled at him and walked away.

The Fowl boy took a raged breath and decided that he would take a nap after he showered. He smelled like chlorine. Artemis wrinkled his nose. Yes he would definitely need a shower.

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**Hmmm…Yes, I put a little "action" into the story…it will get better in future chapters…I had a lot of fun writing that part!**

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"Ok, so now that Foaly is all better, if not a little more paranoid, we should probably contact Artemis Fowl." Root, Holly and Foaly were in a conference in the Ops booth.

"Oh, must we really?" Holly was trying to pretend that she wasn't in love with Butler. She wasn't doing the best job. Root and Foaly laughed.

"Yes, we _must_. It's _very_ important. I'm sorry to put you in such a _stressful_ situation, Captain, but it really can't be helped. I understand your fear of Fowl's bodyguard, and regret to tell you that you will be spending a lot of, (cough, quality) _professional_ time with the mud man." Holly was fuming and she didn't want them to have the last laugh.

Holly whispered something rude into her commanders' ear. Roots face turned a previously uncharted shade of red.

"Right! Back to business!" He said curtly and Foaly shook his head.

"Same rules, slightly different guidelines." The centaur began his prep statement. "We have Artemis Fowl by surprise, for he obviously expected that we would jump to his beck and call. Now, all we have to do is figure out how we are going to use this advantage." He leaned back in his chair, letting them wonder.

"What's up, Foaly?" Holly kicked his chair, sending him rolling across the room.

"Very mature, captain." He retorted and dusted himself off. "We will go to his house tonight, since his invitation has not been pulled, so we can gain the upper hand. Are you up for it, Holly?" He shot a spitball at her as Root looked the other way. She scowled.

"Yes, I'll be ready."

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**Blah….give me ideas! I'm really stuck…..meh, I'll get over it…I'm just in a bit of a funk.**

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**Yes, like I said, IDEAS ARE GOOD LITTLE BUGGERS! And if a single person says that Artemis and Meg are a cute pairing I will SEND THEM TO HELL! I hate cute, btw….**

**Ok, so I told you I'd give a spoiler excerpt…. Here, I also changed the summary….yes haha… Here it is… and don't ask when this will come into the story cuz im not gunna teeeeeeel.:-) And it is MUCH soapy-er than I usually write, but the climax of then book has to be, doesn't it?**

"_There is something wrong with everybody's life." Artemis said, smiling sadly. "I guess… I'm what's wrong with yours." He turned and walked away. Meg felt herself crumple, regret filling every pore. She couldn't find anything to say back to that. Finally, when he was almost out of sight, she screamed. _

_"I don't have a life! I'm dead!" Meg sat down suddenly, right on the cold stone. She felt the tears come but she pressed them back, squeezing her eyes shut._

**Captain Arianna Trouble**: Thank you, because I really DON'T suc…in the original meaning, this is…haha…yes im a perv….. I think the lowry using convict was an accident… I sort of picked it up from root….lol, thanks though…

**Almostinsane**: Thanks, oh well, I'll try harder next time….are you one of those Christians? Im not, but if it makes you happy….muahahaha! maybe if you will give me a longer review….nah, du wat u want duuuude. Lol

**Evil#1$$$$$$**: No…Im not the same as anyone either….muahahaha! Ponies are…cool….they are…well…ponies! Yay! Ummmm… GET USED TO THE INSANITY? THEN IT WOULDN'T BE INSANITY ANYMORE…. Plus I AM insane…. So woooopdyyyy dooooo…..

**Manga-core:** haha…were you the one who told kitty she didn't know who kagome was? Lol…inu yasha….

**Rose**: hehe….everyone is under the impression that I will just let my characters waltz into damnation…I love foaly too….thank you, I appreciate your love! 

**Schizo**: Ya…sorry, I used a term from a book called _I was A Teenage Fairy_…. I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it….hehe…I tried to use humour…not as much in this chapie…but w/e…. I'm in a funk… happyness! 

**Shruiken15**: Yes, good point…Foaly in hell has been bugging me too….maybe I will have to write a companion story of Foalys murder rampage…muahhaha! Lol…I guess I just put the bodyguards there cuz I could….oh, and BUTLER KILLS PEOPLE… lol…..only to protect arty, of course….hehe…I will take the clichés out in the final draft, I only put them in to make The Dandilyon Queen laugh…

**Molly:** Thanks, care to elaborate?

**Scyth195:** Yay! Yellow happy bubble! Haha…you and bored cheese chihuahua gave the EXACT same review….

**Bored cheese chihuahua**: Read above reply to Scyth195…thanks for ur review!

**Dark empress of eternity**: Poor you….STOP CALLING IT CUTE YOU DEMENTED PSYCOPATH! Weeeeeeee! I'm soooooooo hyper! And I LIKE creepy….

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**I.D,c**


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